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A Storage Auction in the Form of an Album (Quarantine 2020​!​)

by Amanda Rose Riley

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1.
You went away again today But like a boomerang you're always back in time Why does it make me cry when I ask myself why Today there was real love and laughter in our house It's better when you're not around Stop telling me what I've done wrong And stop yelling So we can call it a day, we can call it a day Or just call it Today I sung a song and I gave love where it belonged Though the thought of you stuck in the back of my head Why are you only there on the days when I can't seem to care? Today I can say that I am proud of who I am I'm better when you're not around Let's just call it
2.
Sometimes it seems you've got nowhere to be But then two days pass by, you got no time for me I gotta know where I stand! I gotta know where I stand! The first day we met, I may as well have not even been there But as time went by, I really thought you'd started to care But you're not worth my pain, I wasn't worth a breath I wouldn't want to watch you strain, I'm not that desperate yet This is where you stand, I can't read your mind I'm letting go of our plans, I'm leaving you behind
3.
The penultimate chapter of Catch-22 Never fails to make me sick to my stomach I feel ashamed of my laughter still reverberating somewhere in the air What's funny about any of this? And I think about you every existential crisis Which is a lot when you're a 20-something nowadays And every time I think of you, an existential crisis Remember when we were just a pair of bored avid readers With only a single book in common? We would just pass the time bonding over struggles and dreams And chatting casually about Catch-22 And we got philosophical as avid readers do I said can something so fragile really mean much? And I found it so strangely brilliant when you said "that's all that ever does" And I think about it every time I read one of your posts Which is a lot when you're a human being nowadays And I wonder if all your old philosophy is really lost And we got philosophical as avid readers do But I guess that things change and settle down It was so strangely brilliant when Shakespeare said that ripeness is all
4.
Well maybe it's the alcohol that soothed my brain It wasn't any normal kind of pain My lip's on your hook like a helpless fish Though sometimes I can't feel it if I'm perfectly still I could see myself getting away, but not unscathed And I know that tomorrow it won't have gone away Not without the injuries I can't help but sustain But I want to feel free again for just this one day And it's not like it's love, it's not like it's love And just for tonight, just for tonight I am okay... But tomorrow the problem still remains unsolved And I know you hold the power and don't care at all And I will let you take this chunk of hooked flesh If it means I can go home, and I can hold onto the rest PC: And if you really didn't intend to kill a fish Then why did you buy a line and cast it down like this? When all along your leftovers were waiting in your fridge Picked me up and let me go, and squandered all I had to give It's not like you'll ever love me
5.
You've got things once you want things No one will ever compare to you You were amazing, you were crazy The first moment I saw you I knew Tell me now, who do you want me to be? Do you know how much I need you? How can I make you see That I'd do anything for you, I'd be anyone you need You're the person I've been searching for And I can't let you leave Time has come, I've decided and I think you'll agree Do you think that love should be so tedious? I'd plant myself in your corner for free I'd do anything for you, I'd be anyone you need You're the person I've been searching for And I can't let you leave So follow me, come with me, with me I'll never, ever give you one regret And arm in arm, let's conquer the world I'm the truest match that you've ever met
6.
Before there was you I never really knew how hard I could fall Just standing in the corner, watching you as you talked But since there was you I never really wanted anyone else But you've never looked at me that way It's making me hate myself But I'm not gonna break My joy was not yours to take I can be strong, soon I'll move on Please leave me be Right now I really just need to find some peace But that can never happen While you keep impeding my release Now you need to go Right now it's healthiest to leave me on my own And don't worry that you hurt me 'Cause real love is something I've never known But I'm not gonna break My joy was not yours to take I can be strong, I'm moving on
7.
Life was like a carnival from the day that we met And I guess in that sense we made the perfect pair Anything material I wanted you'd get But it wasn't long before I wanted things that weren't there I followed you through all the strife You held the power, for years of my life But you're not the person I hoped you'd be You never cared about me, but I always loved you I always loved you After all these years I think it's time we told the truth For me you would never sacrifice one single thing But you know I would give up anything I had for you And sometimes this asymmetry, oh God, it sometimes stings I don't want anything serious, we both said And I meant it at the time All the while my hopes for us went up in castles in my head And now I never want to leave your side And so I've gotta let you go In favor of someone who'll cherish me too I'm kicking myself, how could I have been so wrong As to think that could be you I always loved you
8.
I made this just for you It's finally ready so what do you think? Go easy on me please I've been working on this for months Or I guess now it's been years How quickly the time has passed From the moment your inviting smile Sunk its teeth into my skin I never stop thinking Of repairing that one tiny broken part That no one else ever seems to notice But it's something that I just can't unsee And I believe in my solution because I've succeeded in little spurts in making you forget I've seen the pain flicker and momentarily fade Around me you never have to pretend We both know that I can help you And yeah, I know, 'cause it's pretty clear I'm not quite what you've been searching for And yes this is a lot of time and effort You'll soon be free to crumple and toss in your fire But it's something that I just couldn't help but do And I'd be lying if I said I didn't aspire To be thanked with all the affection that you have to give But if I can only catch a single momentary flash Of unaffected happiness in your eyes Then it will all be worth it I made this just for you It's finally ready so what do you think? Go easy on me please I've been working on this for months Or I guess now it's been years How quickly the time has passed
9.
Another meeting, I know they can tell I don't belong This suit feels stiff and it looks somehow wrong I talk but I don't really know what I mean And my mouth is dry and my voice is weak And the second someone doubts me I just completely fold And all this seems to be outside of my control I'll never be any good at this pretending This is what impostor syndrome looks like So much discomfort but you keep up the act Because we all need a way to make money And make believe that our lives are on track Another meeting I know they can tell I don't belong And to tell you the truth I think that they're wrong When they say that we make a difference in a positive way And I no longer agree with or mean what I say The fire that I used to share with them has died This is not the happy thing that makes me come alive I'll never be any good at this pretending And so as soon as this meeting is dismissed I'm telling them the reasons why I know I've gotta quit I'll say I want to be somewhere where everything feels right I'm working out my new plan and it takes effect tonight I'm gonna follow the dreams where they take me.
10.
I can't keep living From weekend to weekend And when it's gone again, I feel alone again I'm not gonna live forever, no I'm not gonna live forever It's time to feel my own feet touch the ground To see what my own shadow looks like It's time to stop dragging these ideals around It's time to do what I know it is that I need to do I can't keep sticking To the hand-me-down life I'm living Because when there's nothing exposed There's also no room for growth I'm not gonna live forever, no I'm not gonna live forever It's time to step out of this safe place To doff this self-imposed straitjacket It's time to move my hands from protecting my face It's time to do what I know it is that I need to do Because the world will keep on turning Without anything from me But there's a way that's uniquely mine That I could make the world a little warmer Make them smile and hold on a little longer Conquer the world in my own small way I'm sorry to anyone I might disappoint, but it is time To do what I know it is that I need to do
11.
Sitting in my bedroom alone, I came upon a dream But since we're all afraid of the unknown, it hid itself from me And so we suffer till we learn no one can do it for us Fulfillment is something that we earn, and what would it be if not tough Back when this started I was so afraid, so afraid of what they'd say But as time has worn on I've gotten so brave, and I'm getting braver every day One day the revelation came: what do we become if we don't try? With nothing to lose, everything to gain, take your chance before it passes by You do it every day until it sticks, this is the path we've gotta choose Give it everything you have to give, it's the only thing there really is to do So I'll write these songs, give them some wings And send em out into the world I'll keep my pace and see what it brings What I'm doing today is just the start
12.
'Cause there's you, my God The single coolest person who ever lived Your step is light, but so sure To walk next to you, what I wouldn't give But you never, ever seem to get it wrong And I feel stupid when I'm with you Forget about the fun when I go out All I want is just to hold it together But all is lost when there's you again It kills me that you're this cool And you'll never ever want to really know me 'Cause there's me, my God One single anticlimax from a world record I never know how to be, I don't feel good enough when I'm at my best I almost see us as two shades of the same color Except I'm dead grass green and you're lush I mean I never ever thought that I was perfect But I figured you're just human just like me But look at me, a frumpy mess in this group of beauties And your laughter cuts through me like a knife does soft cheese And I'll never be anyone but me Why would I want to walk on eggshells anyway? Let this love go 'cause it's clearly misplaced To dust myself off from one more time I got it wrong 'Cause the next time... I might not
13.
To be completely honest Growing up I never said what I thought I was so shy it was painful to watch Most of the kids thought that I was a freak Well they so rarely heard me speak They couldn't learn anything about me I didn't always want to spend all my time alone But I knew that one wrong word and my chances would be blown I just want to be completely honest But I'm afraid that's not what they want I never know if I should compress it inside till my skull gives way Or just word vomit the things no one wanted me to say I have no in-between And to be completely honest These days I've moved to the other side Ever since I learned not to be quiet all the time Excitement is the feeling that I actually really dread 'Cause I'll say exactly how I feel like I'm out of my head And can't undo some of the reckless things I've said I just want to say all the right things and never the wrong ones But it's so hard to stop them once the words have reached my tongue But still with you I've kept it clean And I've never said quite what I mean And I just want to let you know right now That any time I'm saying things I shouldn't say out loud You know that I'm just trying to be completely honest The only type of perfection that I'd ever aspire to And so I may as well say fuck off to everyone who's made it worse And give my thanks and love to those who were there from the first And admit that I can't say what I want or what I might do But oh you, I want you I want you I want you I want you And that I don't even mind about the mess, I'd give anything For all these romantic notions in my mind It probably wouldn't work out that way, it never ever does But why should we not at least give it a shot?
14.
Well in my family I've long been the black sheep Because I'm not much like young women that are on mainstream TV They want me to wear crap outfits that hurt my spleen and toes And base all my opinions on those who claim they're in the know They think that I should squash my impulse... To be weird, to be true To do the things that I feel like I want to do To be different, to be free To be the only person who I want to be: to be me But your cool kid nonconformist family's not a substitute You dictate the right unorthodox, there's no room for dispute But I was dressing for my comfort, not for acceptance, that's the point And when you trade your reason for their dogma I don't want to join Hey you're still not giving me that freedom... To be weird, to be true To do the things that I feel like I want to do To be different, to be free To be the only person who I want to be: to be me But I'm happy right here all on my own And so I'm gonna do it anyway.
15.
I don't want to be creepy But we were meant to be, we were meant to be I feel like I've got X-ray vision Am I the only one to see? Excuse me, I've misplaced something And it's under your skin, it's under your skin And I know that this is quite an inconvenient location But I need to get in, I need to get in And I've got to be honest Most people are wrong, most people are wrong You're the only one who makes sense when you speak And I wouldn't care if the rest of them were gone Excuse me, I've misplaced something And it's inside your skull, inside your skull In a beautiful original and sensible mind I'm completely helpless to its pull Excuse me, I've misplaced something And it's in your fist, it's in your fist No matter what I do, I can't get through to you But why won't you see that we both need this
16.
I know that we are strangers But I'd like to ask you what you see in the stars And have you tell me all your dreams Because all I'm ever wanting is that sense of connection Of this is what living really means I know that we are strangers But I'd like to invite you to share and create And see what our teamwork can produce Because all I'm ever wanting is some unfading gem For remembering some mutual truth I know that we are strangers But I'd like it if you held me in an awkward or an easy embrace All I want is to be certain I was right about this place... A vision of utopia on earth in my head That can't be identified through sight You and I will test how accurate it is on the first stranger that we see tonight
17.
As a young man your eyes were bright Your dreams, they kept you up all night Working for success that you deserved Soon everyone would sing the words But soon your placeholder job became too good to quit And quietly your weekly practice hours began to dip And you didn't drown, you just never made it Things stayed the same when they probably should have changed You get stuck in these routines And just like that, they swallow up your dreams 'Cause it was that gleam that got me hooked Your future seemed so bright like a highly acclaimed book I'd stand at your side and we'd conquer it all The promises you made, they made me fall But these unfulfilling lives start to wear down our hearts Sometimes it ends your happiness before it even starts And we didn't drown, we just never made it Things stay the same when they probably should have changed You get stuck in these routines and just like that they swallowed up your dreams You say you don't know what to do But if you want to be better you have to be brave If I put up with this I'm a coward too For me the stuff of dreams is still worth it to save
18.
It took so many hours to finish this song Maybe one was spent on a bench in a park Maybe another hunched over a notebook on my bed And countless more struggling hard with my guitar But it's all worth it You can't imagine how it feels when I play music And this is mine, it came from my heart When you love something, you know 'Cause you'd do anything to feel that flow And if it takes 10 hours to have anything to show Then that's okay 'cause time's never slow Doing what you love To date this has been my most consistent skill Is I could nail a paper in 10 minutes flat And on my tombstone you could accurately say She got straight As and she taught us random facts But that means nothing I mean it's obvious to me, you just have to trust things It's what you love, not what comes easy Because the one thing uniting everyone I find impressive or cool Is a musical talent above everybody else in the room Because all I say feels incomplete when said in simple non-musical words And whenever I have an emotion to express, I always think of music first Whether I wrote it or not, when sound properties combine to get it right It sickens with an aching satisfaction like I've never felt in my life So I'm making a promise to myself In front of all these witness That for as long as I live, I can never forget this feeling.
19.
Sometimes I think I've got it all figured out Just following my fifty point plan As I've gone through my life I've learned to wash down my doubts With a faith that's just becoming who I am But on days like today, it gets harder to stay And I fake it just to look okay But I'm gonna tell myself, I'm gonna tell myself again That these feelings aren't wrong, but they're surely not right And this too shall pass It comes when it wants and it feels like I can't stop These roller coaster hills we ride alone Sometimes it's exciting, till you're at the bottom of the drop But frankly it's best when it's all unknown But I find my way every time, climb back up toward the sky The worst is over, and everything feels right This too shall pass When I'm feeling as if nobody cares When I wonder what I'm even doing here I push through, continue on I act it even if I don't feel strong And somehow it's always worked out.
20.
You know, I wear jeans in the summer heat because I'm afraid to show my skin I'm so busy hiding my imperfections and wishing I were supermodel thin Sometimes when I go outside and a stranger gives me a smile I have to look down because I'm uncomfortable with mine And no matter how hard I try my hair is always a mess Nor am I too happy with my face, or any part of me, I guess And life is perfect and I can't enjoy it I know the city in my backyard's a great one but for me it'll never suffice It's got everything most could want, but lacks something in my eyes No, I like to visit cities far across the sea Convince myself that they feel more like home to me I waste time being frustrated for being on the wrong side of the pond And when I finally focus my vision on the here and now again it's gone And life is perfect and I can't enjoy it You know, I wait for truth to strike like lightning Though I realize it can't exist that way I know I just have to grab at what I want While trying to act decent both good and bad days And I know that the freedom I have is enough at least in a practical sense Not living in a fascist state or some impoverished tenement I mean, there isn't really much in this world I absolutely could not do If with all my energies and efforts I proved I really wanted to And life is perfect and I can't enjoy it But if you were here I could put this all behind me, throw all these yearnings away Any circumstance or place would do as long as I had you I could find the magic in plain old reality Feel so beautiful and walk so tall I could focus on my worthier dreams, which I'd be able to clearly see If you were here... if you were real But I guess if I'm all I have in my life For at least a little while It's never that hard to find things that make me smile.
21.
The moment has come, I've lived a long life But everything comes to an end When I look back I feel wonderful about the message my life will send I lived my life my own way, no matter how many times I changed my mind I expected fulfillment at every corner Though it always seemed so hard to find I followed every whim that came Did what I thought right, ignored the wrong I wasn't always happy but I never settled And I never stopped feeling strong Because I know I always lived honestly And fearlessly the best that I could I ran after my dreams till long after my heart said stop at breakneck speed I did what I felt like, I never did what anybody told me that I should Things got messed up I couldn't always get the simple things I need But I know I lived with my entire soul I gave it everything I had in me to give At times I've wondered, what's the point? But this feeling of contentment is it No, I never found my soul mate, though I tried like hell I loved with all my heart Had some good flings, fell in love when it was right But when it wasn't never fell apart It was through no fault of mine in any logical way That I came to grow old alone I was warm and inviting, baked desserts and held them close But never seemed to make a home And I made my peace - it's not easy to keep up With a life that's different every day I doubt he exists, because I never found That single person who would just get it and stay I'm sorry but when I look around I have to feel proud How many can really say with such unflinching honesty That they never once faltered despite any inconvenience? You don't meet many old folks who don't say these things But you can still see here the bruises from the punches that I rolled with And the holes in my heart From those who abandoned me when they disagreed And nothing's ever made me feel luckier Than to get to take these to my grave
22.
14 months ago I was hopeless at this I was lacking experience and all I had was love So I learned to be a doer and I learned to take risks And I can't say at times it didn't get pretty rough You can count on imperfections, but that's all right 'Cause I'm achieving things and I feel great tonight Doing the throwaway song of the week Sometimes I think about how much I'll miss it someday Once people are listening and put money on the line Oh, to go back to those days when nobody cared what I had to say And I could put out awful songs and everything was fine So if you've got some art in you that you've been struggling to just let flow Then take a leaf out of my book and just step on the gas and go And I'll sign up for your year of throwaway whatever it may be And then the last one can be about the project And it will seem super cheap.
23.
I looked up, saw two birds soaring high above the rest How much did they make me want to fly? But though I flap my arms until I take my last breath I'll still be grounded on that day that I die I will never do what they can do I'll never take to the air I know it and they know it too And life makes sense; is it unfair? Some things you're not meant to be a part of But think of everything you can be Think how much you can be the start of And if not the world will never see Sat on a bench and watched the birds go Just going about one normal day I feel drawn in, move to them steady and slow But when I get close they go away Why do they flee when I come near? Why does it make me feel so alone? What is it in me they should fear? Why must I remain their unknown? Looking up too long at the sky life started to pass me by Do I want to grow old this way, eager for some impossible day? Or should I seek my own version of flying, the thing that takes my mind off of dying? I'm not a bird, I am not the sky, I'm not so beautiful, I can't fly But I'll give it time, there's something great in me too We all have a place, something we're called on to do Don't know mine yet but I'll continue the search Turn my back on these birds now, they can peacefully perch
24.
Born alone and free Just like a dog no one's chained to a tree All sad eyes and no one to love Where there was no one to charge or judge I was locked up in this place you all hated Carried your baggage everywhere you asked me to go Felt warm and secure and suffocated And do I have anything, anything to show? I fell back on myself today because no one else was there And I hear the half-hearted cliches you say But I know you don't really care Why did I ever play this game? What did I think that I could gain? I want to go where nobody knows my name What more could I hope to obtain? And I would like to start anew, making footsteps on fresh white snow Doing all the things you never thought I could do But how could you really ever know?
25.
I first wrote down uncertainty because that's the only thing I feel For my future home, my future gig and for the heart I may someday steal I can see the options swirling in the salty mirrored sun But it could take years or decades till I find the right ones But everything I meet here in this city by the sea In spite of all that goes down still makes my heart believe Reminding me that life's a game I really want to play I traced my problems in the sand - the sea washed them away I wrote down unmarketable because I spent a year sorting out beads And it wasn't painless and the pay was shit And you can bet there were no full-time leads I can hear her whisper saying that it's not much longer now But I sometimes feel cemented when my feet are on the ground I wrote down wanting what I can't have because that's what I really do I've got this lust to wander and I've got this lust for you But the ocean reminds me how much is really out there I have time and heart and options, not a thing is unfair As the sand goes blank again, my loaded words erased She wraps me in her arms again and tells me that I am safe.
26.
I tell myself a story of a day in the life Slipping out of bed and saying to the mirror "Hey, today is gonna be a great day" As I look at all the streets and trees I smile to myself and say "Hey, isn't this beautiful?" I ask myself unanswered questions of the day And reply with my latest answers Back and forth in an interview style So honored to be talking to someone so wise And so proud to be sought out Then after I talk to you I tell myself "Hey, you did OK" Then I perform a skit for myself with all the new lines for next time Knowing my mouth couldn't form those words in front of you Crawling into bed I sing myself a beautiful lullaby And wonder if out there somewhere someone knows Exactly how I'm feeling right now

about

Like other actively performing musicians, I'm losing a lot of money over the coronavirus lockdown. I decided to do something special. I dug through my music archives and uploaded every unreleased song that I was still okay with sharing publicly.

The catch is that you should consider this a storage auction where you don't know what you're getting. (Yeah, you can preview first, but where's the fun in that?) There are definitely some gems in here that will probably never see the light of day again if you don't get them now, good song concepts, lyrics, and musical ideas. There are also some that were really weird and silly. Also, most of the mixing is not good - it was all done by my low-skill self.

This is good for anyone who likes collecting random obscure music downloads, loves all of my songs, or just wants to support me. I live frugal AF, so $10 is like a week's worth of groceries for me.

PLEASE NOTE you can also buy my whole Bandcamp discography (two DIY albums, two studio albums including my upcoming one, Salty Dog Cruise songs, and this) for under $25 at the moment. I hope you enjoy it!

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released March 20, 2020

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Amanda Rose Riley Lincoln Park, New Jersey

Quirky, punk & pop-influenced acoustic singer-songwriter. Equal parts dreamer and doer.

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